The tan lines

One of the nice things about cycling is being out in the fresh air, the sun beating down you, your brown legs a blur, your face trying hard to look graceful under the suffering you inflict on yourself. The rest of your body still and quiet in the summer heat.

Those brown legs look great dont they? Smooth and hairless, the muscles defined, rippling as you move through your pedal strokes. Standing out of the saddle a different set of muscles dance under your glowing skin.

Your arms too, lightly gripping the bars, sunblackened, more delicately muscled, but still the look great as they extrend from your figure hugging lycra kit.

I spend half my life on my bike and I like to think I look pretty healthy, not too skinny, not too fat, reasonably defined for a 42 year old but not pumped up. Finely balanced is how I'd best myself and healthy looking.

That is until I go for a swim with my son, then hours on the bike turn me from a finely tuned athlete (ha yeah right!) to a figure of ridicule and embarressment.

When I am in the pool I look like I have fallen on all fours into a tin of Cuprinol wood varnish. The tan stops abruptly mid thigh and just below my shoulders and around my neck The lines so sharp it looks like my limbs have been glued on from a confusion of body parts at Playmobil world.

The rest of my body has a pale flourescent glow that shines like a glow-in-the dark sticker.

There are obviously some quick fixes needed but the simplest must be dont ever wear speedos when swimming, wear a full body suit instead - like the ones the victorians wore perhaps a fine stripy number in wool?

What causes this ridicule? Well like every dedicated cyclist I have followed the euro rules - well most anyway. http://www.bikeradar.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=14734316

As you will see from rule 5 - A prominent line where your kit ends and where your tan begins is essential to your image. Artificial tanning is BANNED. The tan SHALL reflect the level of training commitment.

This rule in particular brands the cyclist as if he were a lunatic.

I was out riding with a friend the other day and he has a lovely colour to his legs all sunkissed and even. My shins never tan. He gave a rueful smile and proudly displayed more of his leg after my tiptoeing questions about his bronzed physique. I was baffled did he cycle naked? God forbid he put his turbo trainer in the garden and rode like a maniac in his birthday suit, surely that was above and beyond the call of any cyclist?

He has the good fortune to have a partner that doesnt want him to be a figure of fun on the beach or in the pool she advised him to "help himself to a little bit of summer sun" in their bathroom and hence he has the tan of a thousand hours on the bike without the dipped in cuprinol contrasting body stripes.

So do I now go to Boots and part with my hard earned cash for "a little bit of summer sun" or do I position the turbo trainer in sunniest part of my garden and shock the neighbours?

Damn thos euro rules!